


The Puppet and his Pecker

by FireThatFox



Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:55:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24351706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FireThatFox/pseuds/FireThatFox
Summary: Sasori and Sakura get married and move to Konoha.One-shot
Relationships: Haruno Sakura & Sasori, Haruno Sakura/Sasori
Comments: 27
Kudos: 118





	The Puppet and his Pecker

**Author's Note:**

> Just for fun, don't think too hard .

“I think a walk is a good idea, you’ve been working so hard at work lately we haven’t had any time to ourselves.” Sakura peered at her husband over the top of her tea cup that evening at dinner.

“A walk.” Sasori tapped his chopsticks into order before plucking a piece of fish from the family tray in front of him and dipping it lightly into the soy sauce cup beside his bowl of rice.

“In the forest. You’ve been here for a little over six months now and haven’t even been in the Konoha forests Sasori.” Sakura told her husband something he already knew.

Sasori sighed. “I’m well aware my dear.”

“I think a nice walk through the forest would do you some good. You have a few days off now that you’re finished with your latest commission, why not go for a walk with me tomorrow morning Sasori? I think it would please you.” Sakura smiled at him when he didn’t answer right away. She was wearing him down, she knew it.

Sasori sighed into his cup of tea and eyed his wife. Her face was flushed, her eyes were bright. A tell tale sign she wasn’t going to let this go.

“Would a walk through the forest please you, Sakura?” He had caved and they both knew it.

“Yes.” Sakura smiled widely knowing she had won.

“Very well, in the morning though. I do not wish to have the rest of my day interrupted with such...frivolity.” The things he did for this woman…

“You’re going to enjoy it. I know it Sasori, there are huge trees, plants that look like they are from the pages of fairy tales and…” His wife droned on and on but Sasori didn’t mind, he enjoyed her voice and her excitement, it was one of the reasons he had married her. 

Aside from her incomparable brilliant mind, she was energy and emotion incarnate. Opposites sometimes, really do attract he mused as she continued to tell him exactly how much he was going to enjoy their walk through the woods tomorrow morning.

Morning came in the form of green eyes staring at him through his pried open lids.

“Time to go for a nice relaxing walk through the forest Sasori!” Sakura chirped at him.

“You’re a sadist, did you know that?” Sasori sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes.

“What? Why would you say that?” Sakura asked him while rooting through her sock drawer.

“You convinced me to adjust my chakra controls in my core to induce more natural sleeping habits and then insist upon waking me up at the ass crack of dawn to walk through a dirty forest...on the pretense of sincerity and love...sadist.” He threw the covers from his body and slid out of their bed.

“The sun doesn’t have an ass dear.” Sakura muttered absently as she pieced together matching socks for their walk.

Sasori ignored her and muttered a response of his own about orange clad, yellow haired loud mouthed Hokage’s whose clothes were brighter than the sun and were as big as an ass as he had ever seen one to be.

Ten minutes later Sakura had Sasori by his hand and was practically dragging him to the forest line. “Here.” She shoved a thermos of coffee at him, his hands coming up and grabbing hold of it by reflex.

“Oh good,” He said sarcastically, “I don’t drink coffee but I get to carry yours for you.”

“Love you.” Sakura kissed him on the cheek and led him into the forest pointing out herbs and rare plants to him as they walked slowly down the main trail.

“Hum yes, interesting...mmmhmm, fascinating dear.” He made the barest minimum of effort to please her.

“Are you listening to me Sasori?” Sakura tugged on his sleeve when he didn’t respond to her latest find in the forest.

“Yes.” He replied.

“Then what is that?” She put her hand on her hip and pointed to a small stringy looking weed.

“Ronandt thyme.” He replied without pause. “I’m a Poison Master Sakura, did you forget?”

“You’re not having a good time.” She pouted.

“Are you having a good time ?” He asked her, putting forth a bit more effort than he had been pre-Ronandt thyme weed spotting.

“Yes.” She said honestly and smiled at him.

“Then so am I.” He kissed her hand running his lips over her knuckles until her cheeks flushed with pink.

“Let us proceed, perhaps you could point out some of the avian interest to me dear.” He didn’t like the walk, it was pointless and boring, but he did love his wife.

“Oh, yes! Well there are blue jays.” Sakura pointed at two Blue jays in the nearest tree.

“Look there’s a woodpecker!” Sakura pointed at a little red headed bird pecking into a massive oak to their left.

“I never understood those peckers.” Sasori drawled looking at the bird with distaste.

“What? Why?” Sakura asked, looking at the bird as well.

“It gives me a headache just looking at him, and the noise...it’s annoying and disturbing.” Sasori glared at the woodpecker who chose to stop pecking at the wood and looked over at the puppet.

Sakura watched Sasori narrow his eyes at the bird. “It’s just a bird Sasori, it’s not a threat or anything.” She laughed at her husband.

Sasori shrugged. “I suppose you’re right dear, please, let’s continue our walk. Tell me about the other birds in the forest that you know of.”

Sakura looked around for more birds while Sasori’s mind went back to the woodpecker. The bird had seemed to understand him, had seemed to look at him, knowing he hated him. Sasori shook his head, he was being ridiculous. It was just a stupid bird.

PECK PECK PECK!

“The fuck?” Sasori’s chakra strings shot out from his fingers and Sakura leapt to the branch of the nearest tree, kunai in hand, feet locked down with chakra, head turning from left to right.

“Sasori?” Sakura looked down at the forest floor where her husband was flailing his chakra strings around at some sort of invisible opponent cursing wildly.

“Sasori?” Sakura dropped down from the tree and approached her husband slowly, “What’s wrong?”

“That woodpecker! He just...pecked my head!” Sasori spun in a circle, his chakra strings at the ready to defend his wooden puppet temple with the full extent of his wraith.

Sakura burst out laughing, her hands to her mouth and bent over gasping for air.

“It isn’t funny. He could have pecked my eyes out.” Sasori pulled himself up to his fullest height possible and looked down his nose at his wife with a haughty expression.

“Uh huh, the sweet little birdie attacked you because you’re made of wood, of course Sasori.” Sakura continued to giggle at him and he narrowed his eyes at her even further.

“I’ll have you know that it was a deliberate attack on my person! Literally!” Sasori waved his hands over his head at the mythical woodpecker.

“Sasori.” Sakura wiped the tears of laughter from her eyes, “There was no woodpecker dear, you must have seen a bug or something.”

“I know the difference between a bug and a woodpecker Sakura.” Saori continued to scan the trees for the woodpecker as his wife gave him a look of playful disbelief.

“Of course you do hunny. I’m sorry. Come on, let’s keep walking, there’s lots more I want to show you.” Sakura took her husband’s hand in hers and pulled him further down the path. All the while, Sasori scanned the trees for that blasted asshole of a pecker.

Aside from the small interruption Sasori had to admit the walk was a pleasant one. They walked hand in hand out of the forest back toward their house when the sun came running down the street in the form of one blonde haired Hokage.

“Sakura Chan!” Naruto waved his hands back and forth as he ran toward them. “Sasori Kun!” Naruto yelled as he came to a stop in front of the red head and his old teammate.

“Sama. Call me Sasori Sama. Hokage.” Sasori raised an eyebrow at Naruto who frowned.

“But, I’m the Hokage.” Naruto looked from Sakura to her husband, he still wasn’t sure what to make of the couple.

Sakura had come home after a year in Suna helping Gaara the Kazekage with their medical program and hospital, married to Akasuna No Sasori...much to all of Konoha’s surprise.

Some said he had her under a complex and unbreakable genjutsu, whereas others claimed he had drugged her, poisoned her, that it had caused such a dire chemical imbalance that she believed she was in love with him.

Naruto wasn’t sure yet but Sakura seemed happy so who was he to pass judgement on who she chose to be with...at least it wasn’t Sasuke.

“Ignore him.” Sakura patted her husband on the arm and turned back to her friend. “What’s up Naruto?”

“There was an accident with Konahamaru’s team, you’re needed at the hospital, come quick!” Naruto raced off and away to the hospital not waiting for her reply.

“Sorry hunny, but I have to go.” Sakura kissed Sasori on the cheek and ran off to follow Naruto.

Sasori waved a lazy hand at his fleeing wife, it was a common occurrence. 

“Heaven forbid she get pregnant or die on a mission, the whole village would fall apart without her.” He muttered under his breath as he walked back to their modest home in the heart of Konoha.

He hated their house, but Sakura loved it. He hated Konoha, but Sakura loved it. He hated people, but Sakura insisted he wasn’t allowed to kill anyone anymore unless it was on a mission that called for such measures. He felt like he was going mad sometimes, but she was worth it.

Placing her coffee thermos in their sink he stretched his joints and felt the gentle rolling of his perfect ball joints rolling and clicking around his puppet form, perfection. Such a wonderful noise of perfect mechanics at work. He smiled to himself.

PECK PECK PECK!

“What the fucking hell? No…” Sasori walked out of his home with narrowed eyes.

“You...will die a horribly painful death.” Sasori told the woodpecker who was cocking his head to and fro, claws digging into the hand carved trellis he had made for his wife, pecking on the pear tree he had planted for her, in her garden two months ago.

The bird looked at him with his beady black eyes as if to say ‘Yeah? Bring it on puppet boy’...

PECK PECK PECK!

“I’m going to kill you slowly. This will not be quick. I will not be merciful. You rat with wings! You’re a menace, do you hear?” Sasori glared at the bird who glared back.

It was like the world had slowed. Sasori watched as if in slow motion as the bird slowly cocked it’s little head, the red feathers of its neck flexing and crinkling with the movement, it’s beak poised at the ready, then…

PECK PECK PECK!

Into his wife’s beloved pear tree.

“I will kill you, then your entire species!” Chakra string flew out from the ends of his fingers. The woodpecker dodged and wove through the small openings like a pro ninja avoiding all lethal attacks...mocking him.

PECK PECK PECK!

“Fine. Wait here.” He commanded the woodpecker and crossed his yard to his workroom behind the potting shed.

Sasori didn’t know how long he had been working on his torture device...for a bird, but his head snapped up at the sound of his wife’s foot steps. The door opened just as he screwed the last screw into the mechanism.

“Oh so this is where you were, what is that?” Sakura cocked her head to the side and Sasori glowered...she looked just like that damn woodpecker.

“The woodpecker followed me home. I’ve made this device especially for him, now step aside dear, in fact go into the house. You won’t want to see this. This will only take a moment, then I’ll make you lunch.” Sasori brushed past his wife.

“Sasori, wait just a moment!” Sakura called out to him and he stopped in his tracks sighing heavily and turning to her, annoyed.

“Yes?” He almost hissed, he was so close, he just had to execute his plan and the little pecker would be no more and his world would be at peace.

“You can’t kill him.” Sakura looked at him incredulously.

Sasori’s smile was sweet. “I assure you my beautiful wife...I can kill him and I will, now, go into the house and wait, I’ll be in shortly.” 

Sasori turned back to their garden, lining the target up to the little pecker in the pear tree. It was just sitting there, watching him. Sasori’s lip curled, the bird was mocking him.

“Sasori no, please it’s just a little bird, it didn’t dooooo anything wrong, you can’t kill him.” Sakura protested, grabbing his arm.

“Sakura, he pecked me on the head, he is pecking holes into your new pear tree...and I don’t like him anyway so he has to die...now.” Sasori lifted his contraption, aimed and pressed the button.

Nothing happened. “What?” Sasori looked down at his pecker torture device.

“Where is the pin?” Sasori was baffled, he had placed it there himself moments ago...amber eyes looked over his wife who stood behind him with worried green eyes, ‘no’, he said to himself it wasn’t her.

Sasori turned very slowly and looked at the woodpecker on the pear tree and his eyes went wide with shock and rage. The pin...was in the pecker’s mouth.

“How did you even…” Sasori threw his contraption to the ground, smashing it to pieces and stomped back to his workroom and slammed the door.

Sakura cocked her head at the woodpecker looking at it closely for the first time.

She walked over to her pear tree and looked up at the bird. “Release.”

The woodpecker disappeared and a black crow appeared in its stead.

“Itachi!” Sakura yelled and turned to see both Itachi Uchiha and his brother Sasuke bent over at the waist laughing their asses off.

“He’s going to kill you, you know.” She had absolutely no sympathy for them.


End file.
